Vehicular Hygiene

So now, ON WITH THE RANDOMNESS. Which is what we all really want, isn't it? To be able to write about random things and have other people comment about it? Good. I'm glad we cleared that up.
WTF with my car in the last 3 years?! I used to drive a tidy, spotless, nicely scented car with great music. I washed and vacuumed it weekly, it had no upholstery stains, or stains of any sort, really. I used masking tape to remove the plethora of dog hairs that got into the fabric whenever my animal(s) would ride in it, and sprayed Lysol each time they came out. I waxed it quarterly without FAIL, and the thing was NICE. I kept a tidy bag of emergency items in the trunk. Like my mountain biking helmet, gloves, and bike lock. Jumper cables. Rope, cable ties, bungee cords, a few tools. A tampon. :-) And I most definitely did NOT drive a mommy mobile.
Now, I drive a Subaru Forester, Cayenne Red in color. It is a MINI-SUV, dammit, not a station wagon. And, it is the best rated car in its MINI-SUV class, for safety, reliability, and almost religiously Pacific-Northwest-ubiquitousness (ubiquity?). But, in a sadistic twist of irony, my new license plate letters are KDS. As in KIDS. As in, YES, I DRIVE A MOMMY MOBILE. WHAT OF IT?
I have stains on my upholstery from juicy cups that have leaked (you know, the NON-LEAKING KIND?), crumbs, leaves, dirt, more dog hair than you can possibly remove with one case of masking tape from Costco, at least enough to formulate another full dog, and there’s this slightly weird smell. There are toys, wrappers, sweatshirts, a dog blanket, the bag that we carry D’s dry cleaning in, and former sippy cups that are empty in the floorboards. The thing hasn’t been waxed in probably a full year, and is sticky and dusty and covered in bird shit. I mean, seriously. W…T…F? Have I LOST MY MIND? How can a person’s vehicular hygiene change SO MUCH in the course of 3 years? It’s terribly embarrassing.